No more backlogging tonight. I’ll add more recent writings and scribblings of mine later. Gotta remind me, write about the baptism, my campfire speech/idea, AND gaga concert. :) Oh and Lutherhaven friends and campers and rockwalls and inner tubes and creepy boys that were there and nice boy that wasn’t. I have so much to say.

So I have a story. Some of you may know it, but not with this much detail. This is the prelude. Not part one. Part one will be much cheerier, with a guilty undertone, and a splash of ironic humor and confused teenagers. Part two is not my part to tell, so I will not publish it. But to begin with, let me tell you of a riddle from some restaurants kids menu that I read a million years ago, and a trip to Santa Monica. The riddle, though more or less a bit more advanced, seeing as children would be completely dumb founded by this, goes along these lines:

“What is it that a poor man has, a rich man needs, a content heart wants, and an empty heart bleeds, a wiser spends, a fool saves, and all mortals take with them to their graves?” 

The only part its missing is if you drink it, you will die. Ironic. As you will later see. Maybe you’ve heard the riddle before, but if not, I’m sure you will put two and two together by the time you sit back from reading my story off your lovely computer screen. Here’s a hint through another anecdote of mine:

We walked down the steps of the Santa Monica cliffs, descending into the windy sand drowned beach just north of the pier, which was the only source of light (regardless of the occasional fireworks, their sizzling light muted by distance) seeing as it was a very cloudy 4th of July. I had been blessed to spend some time walking with Luke, a camp councilor that was very gifted with wisdom and an extensive knowledge of theology. IT had only been a year ago when he had given me the first presence of God through, ironically, a group discussion of standing strong in the face of Evil. And so while we were venturing down the steps to the beach, surrounded by our fellow missionaries, he inquired as to what I saw as my personal theology, as earlier that weak I had mentioned that no one I knew shared a Theology the same as mine, or even very close. In explaining my personal theology’s definition, I answered a basic question that comes upon many:

Do you believe in evil?

I don’t believe in Evil, not exactly. Evil holds a state of matter much like darkness which is simply the absence of light, the place where light cannot reach. ‘Evil’ is just those places where God’s light is unable to shine. 

So though ‘Evil’ is nothing, nothing was all it took that night.

Mon, August 2nd 2010 

Great way to start off my August. Guilty and confused, and tired as fack. Multiple things accomplished:

- Finished the Avatar series on netflix with Harhar.

- Totally made a fool of myself. For the second time… Or maybe one and a half-th time. But I think it should count as two, only cause I outdid myself this time.

Let’s just stick to one accomplishment a day. And I don’t want to do that again. At least not in the near future.

Sun, August 1st 2010 

Silence is golden.

In the silence, you will find the strings woven through the cloth of our stories, our past our future, and our now, will surrender their secrets to those who surrender their ears. When the music, voices, and feedback left like dirty fingerprints upon the air finally fades, the voices of our strings can be heard.

How else would I have found out that come three days later, this story will have come to an abrupt end, because upon that same moment her story will, in similar fashion as the story, end. Will I tell her? No. Those who told me would be a bit sour upon the occurrence I reveal their knowledge. As I trusted them to whisper their knowledge of the next three days to come, they trusted me to keep it a secret.

So a secret it will remain. 

Besides, why would I warn my own prey?

Fri, June 11th 2010 

Katy Perry, get over yourself.

“Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke.”

-Katy Perry on twitter

WOW. Okay so I could straight up call you out and say you said this just because you’re jealous because Lady Gaga’s ‘Alejandro’ beat your song ‘California Girls’ in MTV’s Hit of Summer 2010, but I’m sure that’s what everyones saying. Besides I’d rather just straight out call out your logic.

So as the devil’s advocate (though usually that means I’m your friend and that I don’t very strongly dislike you) I don’t think you can truly call her blasphemous when you’re writing songs like ‘I Kissed A Girl’. I thought you of all people would understand offending a few people religiously just for art, and honestly, I’m using the world ‘art’ very loosely in your case, because you in comparison to Lady Gaga, your ‘art’ is trash. She straps guns and fireworks to her boobs for art, and to represent an empowering self confidence that’s a great example for people who need some self-empowerment in these dark media ages. But YOU strap cupcakes to your boobs, displaying yourself in such an unartistic and trashy way so you CAN’T EVEN CALL HER OUT.

So shut your trashy mouth. I thought you would be empowering and confidence building for this generation like other women stars like Lady Gaga, and even Ke$ha (who may seem trashy, but is in fact showing how girls are in control in her songs like Blah Blah Blah, and how we have the power to act how we want) but I don’t really see that in you anymore, especially when your to shallow minded and can only see Lady Gaga’s art on surface level, when it is so much more than the common misconception of just ‘shirtless boys with bowl cuts and a blasphemous madonna rip-off’.

Her video pays homage to her gay friends and the gay community, and the constant stripping and openly sexual behaviors represent her respect and appreciation to the gay community for being able to be so open in the face of judgement. And it further represents how she deals with her love for her friends in the face of her religious upbringing in Catholicism. The division has so much obvious tension inside her, which she displays in the tension-creating religious imagery such as eating the rosary and stripping out of a cross clad spandex outfit, also possibly showing the shedding of the anti-gay catholic ideas, liberating herself from those ideas and being embraced by her friends in the gay community. But she remains Catholic, not blasphemous, ending the video in her red nun outfit. At least that’s my interpretation.

Thu, June 10th 2010 

I will look down. I stand on the edge of nothing, hovering unstably above the future, the shimmering surface of open water, shining like mercury tears on the face of my demons, as I fight free of there numbing grasps.

I will step forward. And in this almost rash decision, I find no in-between. No safe equilibrium between the forces of water and air. No. I am in air, then water. Submerged, a stone fallen into the maelstrom of vulnerability. That’s all to be found beneath the chaotic waves. I found that gut wrenching, squeamish feeling. But as my heartbeat slowed, the waves changed in feeling. 

I will find myself again. The open water’s heart wrenching waves become electrically charged, the unfamiliar paradox that posses me with a chilly goodness. I keep my eyes open beneath the surface of the strange vibrant environment. I can’t keep still, the nerves beneath my skin dance anxiously with tension and anticipation.

And I’m supposed to live like this? 

I’m supposed to be here, out in open water?

I’ve been here before, but I could never stay for long. My feet have slid into the alien vibrancy of the water, but I pulled away before I could be pulled under. In these past years, I just couldn’t stay with it.

And now I have too. I must, because I won’t be intimidated by this anymore. I will live in ma maison en verre. I will live out my most feared cauchemar. I can’t keep letting my fingers skim the surface of this vulnerability, and more importantly, this possibility. Yeah, I’m afraid.

But it’s time to go for a swim.

Thu, June 10th 2010 

Not the most awkward moment I’ve experienced. Far from it, knowing me. And not the most awkward moment I’ve had with you. Once again, far from it. Because I’m just a terribly awkward person.

Why does this keep happening to me?

This is all that ever happens to me.

I’m sorry I ruined this. There was a short slot of time that there was a chance I could actually get to know you. You could’ve been that cool friend that’s not too awkward to look at while walking down the hall alone. Nope, you could’ve been a friend to hug in such situation, to talk to, and laugh to. I’ve got a feeling that’s all it would ever be, regardless of what I wanted. And hey, I know what I wanted was impossible, me being me. Even if I hadn’t missed that slot of time.

But knowing me, I did.

And you know what, this is where I make my peace. Make my peace and learn from my forehead smacking moments. It never would’ve happened, so I’ll take those experiences as experience. ‘Practice’, if I wanted to completely impersonalize those experiences. And oh lord, there were a few. But if I can’t walk away from this with you, perhaps I’ll walk away with your help . All those terribly gut wrenching-ly awkward moments (that I still hide my head in my hands and laugh at pathetically whenever I think about them) will hopefully come to be of use in the future.

Let’s hope so.

Mon, June 7th 2010 

Bones and Hands

Made of stars, that’s what we are,

Make them proud, you are their bones and hands.

Filtered thoughts, habits and dreams,

Tarnished bears wait alone in the stands.

…

Monsters danced on our keyboards,

Polished hopes and silver dreams we sang.

I don’t love you like I did yesterday,

just like when your daddy’s phone rang.

…

We are gold, we are going,

We were sold, sold for knowing

falling, talling, falling again,

We are gold.

…

Animated on strings of blood muscle’s love,

You were always gonna to make it.

Knees torn apart and proud of the pain,

you always loved to learn to break it.

…

Under the bed lie the fears of the dead,

Sorry never seemed to heal it.

Stars were to friendly to push you away,

But you weren’t afraid to steal it.

…

We are gold, we are going,

We were sold, sold for knowing

falling, talling, falling again,

We are gold.

…

And when you wake up, and get out, and fall away,

they will stand up, and reach out, and ask you to stay,

and maybe, just maybe, maybe one day,

you won’t stray,

not so far.

…

Unless you’re gold, unless you are going,

cause you were sold, sold just for knowing,

too much talling away,

too much falling away,

you are gold.

“Chaos is rejecting all you have learned, Chaos is being yourself.”

-Emile Cioran

So is this what the fuck is happening to me?! Honestly, it never felt like chaos fit my dilemma, never seemed to be a quiet enough diagnosis for the silent crumbling of my peace of mind, a peace of mind that hasn’t actually been there in years, that has long been missing pieces of peace for  what seems like forever. But shreds still existed, good shreds, morally shreds, the shreds that had a sound footing on the definitions of right and wrong. But something had undoubtably cracked. It seemed like the foundation that once supported my head fell from beneath me, a rude awakening at an unpleasant hour in the morning: age 15. But I guess thats whenever the hell I was supposed to fall apart. Theory of entropy, my mind was gonna fall apart eventually. Silently, slowly, quietly.  As if I know how or when this started. And I didn’t have a clue why either. Until now. This may be what’s happening. What this woman says seems to be the diagnosis. It rings a certain familiarity to a recent revelation of the distance between the opinions my parents taught me, and the opinions I have floating around in my head. These opinions are seeds in the wind, unsure but reality, a possibility of something in the future.

Really want to see this movie, P.S.

Fri, May 28th 2010 

I  love my dad. When I’m angry or fed up with something or just pissed at the world in general he’s usually there with that quizzical look where his eyebrows draw together and his brow furrows and he offers that advice that never applies but somehow makes sense in the situation.

Today we talked about arguments to religion, politics to philosophy, evolution and natural selection, Men in Black to a set “True” answer. We talked about colleges and kids that say things for attention, and even how to beat a person in an argument while simultaneously reeling them in so they make themselves look like the wrong and uneducated one.

I’m glad I have a smart dad. Hell, I’m just glad to have a dad, especially one as cool and faithful and smart as mine. Love ya dad! :) 

Anne. that statements reminds me of the lawyers that all our precious crime show people despise. With their tricks and nasty tactics. If you have a strong argument, a RIGHT argument, these tricks are unnecessary and low. If you win an argument, you do not do it to put the other person in the spotlight of being stupid. Arguments should not be just to prove whats right or wrong, seeing as arguments cannot always come to such a conclusion. Arguments, or even better, discussions, should be had to reach a better understanding of your so called ‘opponent’, as you seem to see them.  Even if you are right, you can always grow closer to people and closer to more immense knowledge when you approach arguments with an open mind, and open heart. I don’t mean to offend, just to point out my opinion. Sorry if it was a blunt opinion, but I hope you will sympathize with me constant desire to speak my mind and share my opinions.